I took myself to hospital to get checked and was given the worst news I’ve ever received.
My baby’s heart beat had stopped. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing what I’d recently found out was my little boy.
I went home distraught and refused to believe what was happening was real. On the 5th of October I delivered my beautiful blue eyed boy Finton.
The most heartbreaking day of my life
The most traumatic experience I have ever endured.
My world felt like it crashed around me and my heart felt like it had been ripped out.
The following weeks seemed to feel like it was getting worse rather than easier and the more I heard “time is a healer” the more annoyed I became.
I then had to deal with other obstacles like telling my little boy age 5 that his baby brother had gone to heaven and answering the many questions that came my way.
Planning the funeral and carrying my baby boy’s coffin (my legs genuinely felt like they were going to collapse beneath me) grieving and mourning the loss of one child whilst cherishing the one I was fortunate to already have.
I heard about Leo’s through the bereavement midwife at James Cook Hospital.
If I’m honest I didn’t really think it was going to be much use.
I didn’t understand how talking about my grief would help fix the disaster I felt my life had turned into. I was angry, hurt, heart broken, utterly sad, lost, and couldn’t understand ‘why me?’ and ultimately traumatised by the whole experience.
I met Leanne from Leo’s and I honestly feel like my life changed.
Finally there was someone I could speak to properly, Leanne was someone to ugly cry in front of, vent all my feelings to.
Leanne guided me through my journey of grief and reassured me that my feelings were valid feelings and that I wasn’t going crazy.
I was in fact a grieving mother and it was ok to feel the way I was feeling.
I became pregnant again after 5 months of losing my little boy. I was so anxious and nervous and the first person I reached out to and told was Leanne.
Leanne has helped me to rationalise the many crazy thoughts I have had throughout my pregnancy and gave me so many resources to help me regulate my emotions and anxiety and ultimately helped me have a nice pregnancy journey.
I really don’t know what I would have done without Leanne and the help of Leo’s.
I sit here today a year on from my traumatic loss, 33 weeks pregnant, happy and healthy and extremely proud of myself in how far I have come.
I really do believe that something so awful has taught me so much I didn’t know about myself and I realise just how strong I am. I feel I have become a better person in so many ways.
In a matter of days from me writing this it will be my son’s 1st heavenly birthday.
Then 6 weeks from now I will welcome my rainbow baby into this world. I know both events will bring up a lot of emotions but I’m confident I’ll be ok and have the resources to manage those difficult days, all thanks to Leanne.
Grief is something that doesn’t go away and the loss of a child is something you never get over, but I can say this, you will one day learn to live your life around your grief and you won’t always feel that constant pain.
You will smile again and you will get stronger, if I can then so can you.
Sending love to all that know that feeling of loss.